That icky parent feeling…
Do you ever get that feeling? I feel frustrated with myself. I feel like I failed. I feel like I’m causing damage to my child.
It’s like that thing my parents always said. “Unless I act crazy, you don’t hear me. So let me just be crazy with you.”
Logically, I know this is no way to handle her behavior. Logically, I know this is no way to parent. But at the moment, I didn’t think. I just responded. Now, I’m thinking of everything I should’ve said or done. What's worse is my child is feeling shamed, frustrated, and a little afraid of me. OK, so real talk here. The problem is that it worked. My child stopped acting out, and now there’s a little quiet, so why do I feel so bad?
Well, the reality is that the same scenario will occur again. Fear is not a teacher. We don’t learn anything when we are afraid. When we’re scared, we learn poor coping mechanisms, and we develop anxiety. After this incident, my child hasn’t learned to deal with the impulses and emotions they felt. Those emotions and motivations will happen again.
As a parent, I want my child to feel safe around me. I want to teach them how to handle their emotions. I want to discipline and correct behaviors in love, and I want them to grow up without experiencing trauma from their parent.
This good feeling happens when I can recognize what I am feeling and process my emotions before I respond to my child. I can’t bring calm when I’m feeling chaos. For some of us, this is an easy fix. For others, like me, it took some coaching and counseling. It’s important not to judge what it takes for you to get there because it’s not your fault. You are where you are because of your experiences and your upbringing. Most of us were not taught to be aware of our emotions but to stuff them. Our parents weren’t taught either. We didn’t know what we know now about raising children, generational trauma, and the importance of our emotions. Our emotions are simply indicators or sensors telling us what’s happening in our bodies. They’re giving us notification that we need something.
The good news is that wherever you find yourself, there is hope. We can learn to do better to be better, and we can teach that to our children. By learning to by learning to pause, check in with my own emotions, and take a breath before responding. I have started to find success. I became more aware of some things I needed to handle to be a better parent. And remember, there’s no shame in reaching out. You didn't know different, and it may take help to learn something different.
Tracey Lynn Pearson is a psychotherapist, mindfulness coach, yoga teacher, and creator of Tiny Humans & All The Feels a mindful parenting resource.
